I feel discouraged. Right now I don’t like my job and I feel like a failure. I feel like the stupid young girl who everyone takes advantage of. Maybe I should quit my job. I feel like I should have time to build my confidence and take up a hobbie, that way, when I get a job, I’m confident and won’t take things so personally. The owner of the store told everyone to give me a math lesson because the till was off a couple times. And I’m so depressed about it!!! It’s stupid. Any advice??

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am reading the book ‘Girl Interrupted’ and it’s changing my views on life. (I love those types of books!) It breaks my heart to know that so many people are in mental hospitals, just because they aren’t a part of the stereotype that includes being so busy that you forget about yourself, and your true perspective on life and it’s events. At times I find myself insulating my brain from the outside world; and it’s those times I feel myself. Anything is possible at this point. It’s almost scary to the extent things can go, but it’s beautiful how much my imagination runs.

It’s like I dig so deep into my brain that it’s like a constant rollercoaster, yet every aspect intertwines.

Now there are people with mental disabilities, but there are also the people diagnosed with ‘depersonalization.’  It’s not a problem, it’s actually the opposite! They are so dug deep into reality, that the clouded perspective most humans have due to media no longer exist, they are thinking the way we were supposed to. The only reason they call it ‘depersonalization’ is because thinking this way can get you very depressed. I know, because thinking one way is almost addictive, and i’ve experienced it.

I love changing my perspective, I love considering things never considered  before, I love considering the morally crazy ideas, I love looking at different religions.

Hmm. I don’t know if that will make any sense to anyone. Haha what if I am crazy and thats the only reason I think people aren’t?

So actually i’m only going to highschool. Till February. Then i’ll graduate instead of in June!! I just got my schedule this morning and I am taking AP Art, drawing techniques, film as literature, creative writing, religions of the world, us govt, and mentoring disabled highschoolers. Then I also have one open class which is always nice. I’m happy about my schedule, still not happy about going to school though haha. This morning I locked my keys in my new car. The owner had no spare so that sucked!! We had to call triple A and have my gramma come with her card. I ate noodles and ice cream at her house. I don’t think i am going to be feeling very good tomorrow because of my food allergies haha. But who can resist it, especially when your sweet gramma gives it to you? Well tonight I am invited over to Andie’s house, and I don’t know whether I should go or not because it might just make me angry or sad, and who needs that?? Annnddd she has cats..which im allergic to. What do you guys think? Should I go? She always disses me for other people. Maybe I am just being stubborn??

Lately bad things are happening! Yesterday Sheldon and Schaans condo..today the new girl called me and said she couldn’t make it into work because she had just gotten hit by a car while riding her bike to work! Crazy. She is okay but she thinks she may have broken her knee. I am loving the weather today. It is such a nice break from the hot weather.. I am ready for fall!

My Favourite Essay.. & a blog dedicated to it!!!

“In the woods, we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life, — no disgrace, no calamity, (leaving me my eyes,) which nature cannot repair. Standing on the bare ground, — my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite space, — all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eye-ball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me;”

I love this whole essay..this is one of my favourite paragraphs though.

Since Sterling is gone, I’ve been a real sucker for love songs; even more than I already am. I have been into particularly Elton John love songs. I like his stuff from the 70’s the best.

gah, I am spending all my money on I tunes.

I’ve been into water colours, collages, and ink lately.

Everyday lately people are showing me their true colours & they aren’t positive. Everyday I am realizing and finding out who my true friends are. It’s sad that people are prone to chose friendships over selfish matters. I am seeing my best friends chose me over stupid flaky people they do drugs and party with! It’s only because it’s easiest, and makes them ‘cool.’ Highschool is screwed up!!!! The Iphoto Camera in the computer is keeping me busy. haha.

I think it’s beautiful, also It’s one of those things where I never though I would want a car like this, but now that I have it I llove it

This isn’t an actual picture but it’s exactly what it looks like

It has nice beige interior and I’m thinking about getting goofy seat covers, with dragons or something. Thats my sense of humor, I don’t know why but I find it hilarious to ‘break a sterotype’ I guess you would call it that? I just love throwing randommmm stuff like dragon seat covers or I saw this one with cougars on it.

I LOVE Apples to Apples. I would play every single day if I could. I won so hard lastnight when I played with my work gals. I’m at work again and I would post pictures of some photography but I don’t know how on Mac’s! haha. There are so many tourists in Bend right now it’s incredible. It’s always interesting though. I’m super friendly so I always get the scoop of people’s lives when they come to shop and there are alot of foreign cute people who come into Blue who can barely speak English. That always makes me a little nervous, trying to communicate.

Ah! I know I told Cindy about it.. but you know the other day when we caught the shoplifter shoving things into her bag?! Anndd how we found empty hangers also?! WELLLLL she came in yesterday!! aaannnnnddddd she tried to return the dress that was missing on the empty hanger! EH! So me and Ashley copped attitudes and snagged the dress from her, and said “This is not your dress, you stole it, remember the other day? You are not allowed to shop here anymore!!!” And she whined for a second than split. Thats the cool thing about local businesses.. you can have an attitude and even be mean if you want to, when it comes to shoplifting. Corporate like American Eagle, your not allowed to tell someone to give back the things they stole, let alone snatch it from their hands. Anyways, it was quite a scene and it was fun! haha. She also worked at the Boy’s and Girl’s Club so we’re calling then to inform them of their employee!!

Oh! So it turns out I ammm probably going to be taking college classes this year instead of highschool. I will probably be taking classes with Sterling, too! Like writing 121, 122 and Math!! This will be fun!

Gee, I really suck at blogs!! I need to keep writing in this. So as of late life is pretty good despite bad situations. I’m car-less, and boyfriend-less till September! I miss Sterling so much already. Work is going great I love it. Tonight we’re having a going away party for one of the employee’s Emma who is going back to college in a week. It will be a crazy night I don’t know if i’m ready to handle it. I don’t really have many friends except Sterling and Amara. Lastnight I hungout with Jessica and it was really fun! She’s my new friend, too. Shoot..I don’t have anything else to say except I should probably go and get back to work..haha I’m sort of ignoring my customers!! Heres a picture of when we went camping and brough Josie along…
lava by ~rawr88 on deviantART

I am just feeling so dandy about life right now. I’m at work downtown right now and it’s lovely!!!!!

Life honestly couldn’t be better.

ONE

WEEK

LEFT

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can hardly contain myself.

I’m in fashion Merchandising class and it’s a fun class. Today it’s supposed to reach 90 degrees; then thunder. I tried so hard to avoid skirts lately because i’ve got horrible mosquito bites all over my legs that have turned dark purple and red && hugeee because i’m allergic. Today I couldn’t avoid it though, with the heat and all. So i’m actually finding it humerous seeing my friends say hi to me in the halls, then glance casually down and my gross legs, and not say anything; though I know they think I have skin cancer or something. I don’t think I have anything to say except how excited I am that June is tomorrow. It’s actually summer &&& thundery. I lovee thunder storms alot alot.

A tight rope is becoming frail,
And I’m almost drowning in your actions.

Accepting nothing,

I’m taking my imperfections
And tying them around your neck.

Wanting something so neutral,
All I get is the opposite.

I’ve learned that trying is the key
In becoming what you hate

and if per say, you do become what you hate,
it’s almost impossible to reverse by trying.